“Who are you?” “I’m the Party Pooper.

Yeah, so it looks like courtesy of a midnight screening, I’m the first MD-er to review Return of the King.

I know that the movie’s review-proof and all (TTT certainly proved that last year), but honestly… it’s awful. Terrible. At times it is howlingly, horrifyingly bad. I’m not being sarcastic– I don’t think that there is literally one entire scene that is not in some way marred by some manner of idiocy.

And although it may come as a surprise to some people who know, I often DO doubt myself, and wonder if I’m right. More than once I’ve pondered the possibility that I’m just being an arbitrary crank, feeling a needless an inexplicable cynicism towards the last two LOTR movies.

But then, Jackson and co. add in a scene where Elrond explains that Sauron has somehow poisoned Arwen and if Sauron doesn’t die then Arwen will soon (and people thought that the Joker killing Batman’s parents was stupid), and I doubt myself no more; this script was indeed written by idiots. Or, how the Paths of the Dead somehow got turned into Disneyland’s freaking Haunted Mansion, cackling ghosts and all.

I’m sorry, I’m so terribly sorry. Hey, it’s 4:40 a.m., I’m allowed to be melodramatic.

Oh, and one more thing: after this movie gets the obligatory raves, if I ever hear one more person claim that John Woo overuses slow motion, then here comes Mr. Punch.

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